Now that you know how it all began, let me tell you what it looks like day to day.
My little girl is beautiful. Not just because I'm her mother but because she simply is breathtakingly beautiful. She has big gorgeous hazel eyes that are shaped like a porcelain doll. She has creamy perfect skin. Perfectly formed lips and nose. She is beautiful. On the inside, she can sometimes project that beauty. She can be sweet, affectionate, playful, cooperative... Everything you would want in a 2 year old little girl. There are days when I look at her and wonder how it's possible that there is anything the matter with her at all. There are days when she astounds me with her obedience and responsibility. And then there are most days.
Most days Gabi spends her time screaming, hitting/biting/scratching, talking back, ignoring everything she's told, destroying things and being a nightmare in general. I sometimes wonder how she can manage to scream as long as she does..Sometimes for hours on end, literally.. For days and days in a row. Sometimes I wonder how it is possible for a 2 year old to be so mean and so angry. I have three other children, all of them perfectly healthy and well rounded. Granted, they all have their days but they are GOOD kids. Where did things go so wrong with Gabi?
I have to admit, here, where hopefully someone who knows what this life is like will stumble upon it, that there are times that I wish I had never had her. There are times when I wish I could give her to a new family that would be a better fit. Sometimes I think that I just don't have it in me to give her any more than I already do. Sometimes I feel completely defeated.
Of course, I would never give up my child. I would never abandon her to another family or to the system. I will continue to love her and work with her and hopefully, one day, we will see an improvement. And if we don't, we'll just keep trying. But there are days, long dark days, when I feel like I just can't do this anymore.
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